Melinda French Gates discovers new ways to appear in a relationship.
Vulnerable about how her public divorce, announced in May 2021, was “incredibly painful in myriad ways,” the philanthropist says she’s been thinking deeply about the kinds of relationships she aspires to have in her future, both professionally and romantically. To do so, she jotted down some notes from famous psychotherapist and author Esther Perel, which she shared on luck’Most Influential Woman Summit in California last week, where she had just completed the Relationship Expert MasterClass on Relational Intelligence.
“One of the things [Perel] “Talk about power,” Gates said at the summit. “I have a relationship with my ex at work, and I hope to eventually be in a personal relationship with someone outside of work, but we have to think about the strength within the relationship and how you can share that and collaboratively share that.”
In her MasterClass, Perel emphasized that strength – “intrinsic to all relationships” – is not something you have to let go of but rather something you can share and build upon with a partner.
Here are some key points from Perel’s chapter on how to create and maintain healthy relationships in every aspect of your life:
Establishing a common strength in the relationship
“The question is always, is it ‘power’ over ‘power’,” Berel says in her class, explaining that the latter can be ‘attractive’, ‘cooperative,’ and ‘active.’ Contrary to popular belief, we do not fall into positions of authority. In Interpersonal Relationships – Beryl challenges the idea that the breadwinner automatically has power.But what that power might look like is someone who might have more resources at the moment, allowing the other partner to spend more time caring for an elderly parent, for example Example, or attending a class you’ve always wanted to attend, which can help establish shared strength and weaken a perceived power imbalance.
Once power is seen as a constant in interpersonal relationships, Burrell says, it is smooth and something worth negotiating.
“The main question is not do I have the power, but do I have an agency?” says Beryl in her class. “Can I take certain steps separate from what you do to me or us?”
People enjoy agency regardless of money, being the decision maker or the assertive person. Power develops, and once we understand how, it becomes more and more clear that it can come from below or above whether it’s at work or in personal relationships, explains Beryl in her class.
Possession of power – or I suppose agency – serves as an opportunity to elevate a partner rather than assert dominance over it.
Take a risk with a partner to build trust
Some people need to trust someone before taking a risk with a partner, but Berrell says taking the risk may also help build that trust.
Try to take a “little risk,” Burrell suggests, by doing something new in your relationship. It can feel like sharing something new with a partner, saying no or even saying yes to something you’re not used to. This practice can help build trust over time and encourage more risky behaviors.
Feeling betrayed by a broken trust is a common human experience, but these “ruptures,” Burrell said, are fixable, like how a plate can shatter but come together again even if the cracks make it look different. Painting repetitions are important.
Understand your biases
Whether we like it or not, we sometimes assume that someone will act a certain way, even cheating on us, before we really give them a chance to prove otherwise. Many people enter into relationships with expectations of what will be, and this can hinder the ability to empathize, set boundaries, and understand one’s role with a partner. Fight this by feeling curious or asking questions to understand where someone else is coming from, says Beryl in her class. If one partner is raised as an only child and the other is the eldest of four siblings, then the assumed roles as an adult and in future relationships stem from fundamentally different perspectives. Perel says it’s “context” that matters.
Show yourself consciously
It’s a fallacy to think that you’re entering a new relationship with a clean slate — as much as we’d like to. Everything we go through builds on itself to shape how we appear in a new relationship, and thus, self-awareness is the first building block for the development of relational intelligence.
Developing self-awareness in the context of our so-called casual biography – or relationship history – brings vulnerability to the fore and paves the way for a more authentic connection.
“Whether you have a focus that emphasizes independence and self-reliance, or whether you grew up with an emphasis that emphasizes loyalty and interdependence. This casual autobiography is our story, and stories are what connect us to people. This is the bridge,” Burrell noted during luck summit.
This type of thinking can broaden our perspective and make it easier to discern our strengths and weaknesses when we enter into a relationship; Awareness can also help us let go of certain “stories” or assumptions we tell about ourselves that have been limiting our ability to grow in a relationship.
Once seen as subordinate to other core skills, emotional and relational intelligence now feels essential to achieving success with others, particularly in a world fundamentally altered by a technological landscape that can mask emotions in others that were once easy to notice the days.
And when French Gates was asked how a multi-billion-dollar institution with her ex-husband was at the top, she indicated that her focus is also sharing her unofficial resume.
“I think what he taught me is something I have always longed to do, which is to be my most authentic self everywhere I am,” said French Gates.
Originally published at San Jose News Bulletin
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